An apology to myself

My dear sweet Sonja. You hold so much in your heart and in your head. And your body has taken the brunt of the life you’ve chosen. When you had choices, the path you ran down, sometimes at break neck speed, forced you to miss some very sweet moments. Some magic moments in your efforts to be all things to all people.

You are a lot. You have always thought you were too much. You find yourself pushing that extra mile and feeling like everything is all on your shoulders. 

I do believe you have figured out that’s actually not true and that when you slow down, which is a lot more lately, you can see so clearly.

You’ve taken on a huge amount of responsibility, starting early. Actually you started feeling responsible for your mother’s and father’s happiness before you even sprang from the womb. You misinterpreted the signals you were getting from them - disappointment, unhappiness, insignificance as somehow your fault.

It wasn’t. And yet that is how you were formed. Your very cells grew from that misperception.

And you still thrived. You blossomed and grew in spite of the challenges and in spite if your beliefs about yourself.

You painted a lot of red flags white in an effort to feel… and to receive comfort.

You didn’t get it in your choices, except with your greatest and most enduring friend.  Processed food.

I won’t list them here but they grew stronger and more clear they were your easy, quick  solution to almost anything wrong in your world.

You shoved down your own desires to hold everything together

Oh how you glued and stapled and twined your life to hold it together… amidst the cracks you found light. Amidst the pain you found solace.. in that food.

Once you had completed all you thought you needed to you raised your head for just a moment, reached deep inside, and asked those strong, every present parts to come help. And they showed up for you. They helped heal you. You figured out you could depend on them and you could do these things. You gained confidence and learned to smile, learned to look inside and ask the simple question: What do I want now?

And you were answered with equal confidence. You actually had answers for your questions that had gone long unasked. You matter and you figured that out.

You figured out that your TOO MUCH was actually a beacon that would call others to your side. Others who would walk with you along that healing shore.

I no longer feel a need to apologize for anything, Sonja.

All of it was worth it. All the scars and the trips and falls and the barriers you banged your head against gave you untold wisdom. Gave you untold delight. Allowed you to recognize what no longer served you, and to walk proudly in your new skin. 

Brava, Sonja